Lights
by vanillafire
Summary: When Yuuta, at 24, obtains the courage to tell his brother what he wants, he discovers that Shuusuke's love for him is more of an obstacle to a relationship than even their family connection. Fujicest. Complete.
1. 1001 Tokyo Lights

﻿"Aniki, you haven't been returning any of my calls." This was the first thing Fuji Yuuta said as his brother opened the door of his apartment. Looking past him, Yuuta could see that none of the lights were on; he could see down through the hall right out of the large window in the sweeping lounge, the Tokyo night lights glimmering in a beautiful spectrum. 

"Haven't I?" Shuusuke was bored-sounding and barefoot; that was all Yuuta could understand of him at that moment.

"You know you haven't! I've left messages, I've _heard_ you answer the phone and then put it down when you hear it's me, I've..." Yuuta trailed off in the face of his brother still looking at him as if he were one of his photography groupies. How he even _had_ photography groupies, Yuuta had no idea, but nothing was ever impossible with Fuji Shuusuke.

"Really?" Shuusuke took a sip from the mug he was holding, reclining back against the wall of the hall, seemingly uninterested in actually inviting Yuuta in. Yuuta wondered what was in the mug; the fleeting idea of alcohol crossed his mind, since his brother _never_ acted like this with him, but no, he knew Shuusuke when he was drunk, and this wasn't it. He'd be giggling if he was drunk, and dancing slightly to the rhythm of his own words as he spoke. There was no rhythm here.

"Yes, really!" Yuuta sighed the sigh of someone trying very hard not to lose their temper. "Why are you doing this? I know you know what I'm here for, and I... well, I'd thought you wanted it too."

"Well, I _don't_ want it, so now you know."

"And you think I'm going to believe that? Do you really?" Yuuta really wanted to snatch Shuusuke's mug from him and have a swig of whatever it was he was drinking, because a dose of crazy was the only thing he thought could stop him from feeling this cocktail of anger and confusion and humiliation. He would wait until Shuusuke spoke again, though; maybe he would finally stop talking rubbish and he wouldn't need to down anything.

Shuusuke was quiet for a moment, and then said, "How am I supposed to want it too, when you don't even know what it is that you want?" His lips were soft, but his eyes were hard.

"Of course I know what I want!" Yuuta did snatch the mug now, and took what he imagined to be a rebellious and commanding gulp. The effect was ruined by a coughing fit as the twin urges to gag and avoid looking weak conflicted. "Fuck, do you still drink _Inui Juice_!"

Shuusuke took the mug back. Normally he would have patted Yuuta on the back and saved him from his continued coughing, but he just leant back against the wall and studied him.

"Not Inui Juice, no. It's apple, orange, lemonade and tonic water."

Yuuta was still unable to speak, but his face stated clearly what he thought of this combination.

Shuusuke raised his eyebrows sardonically. "How can I believe you know what you want from me when you don't even know what you want to drink?" His lips were hard but his eyes were soft, this time.

"That's completely different!" Yuuta exclaimed, aware that his point was lessened somewhat by the watering of his eyes and the wobble in his voice as his throat battled to reclaim itself from the unholy combination of bubbles and flavours. "I don't want a carbonated smoothie, I want _you_! And I _know_ that I do!"

"Is this why you split up with your boyfriend last month?"

"What? No! I mean yes, I mean..." Yuuta's stuttering was nothing to do with the tickle in his throat now.

"Did you love him?"

"Of course I did! We were together for three _years_ - of course I did!"

"Did you pretend he was me?"

"What!"

"Did you pretend he was me?" Shuusuke held his mug out, offering, a cruel gesture that Yuuta really didn't appreciate. Yuuta wasn't appreciating _any_ of this. He'd expected their talk to go an entirely different way, once he'd actually managed to _catch_ his brother for a conversation. "Think carefully about that."

"What the fuck?" Yuuta was nearly vibrating with anger. "Of course I didn't! How screwed up do you think I _am_!"

Shuusuke shrugged and walked back into his dark apartment, his bare feet making soft noises on the wooden floor. Yuuta assumed that this was as good an invitation as he was going to get to join him.

"Are you scared of the light or something?" he asked as Shuusuke perched himself on the glass coffee table in front of the more normal seating of the sofa, which Yuuta sat down heavily on, leaning on his outspread knees.

"Yes. And now that you know, I'm going to have to drink your blood..."

"Ha!" Yuuta exclaimed triumphantly, and slightly more loudly than he'd intended. "You slipped up!"

"What do you mean?"

"You're _flirting_ with me!"

"Flirting?" Shuusuke scoffed. "That was sarcasm."

"Not the way _I_ heard it. Sarcasm's beneath you, don't think that I don't know that. Is my blood _all_ you want to drink?" Yuuta knew he was crossing a line here, but he felt empowered by what were now obviously Shuusuke's true feelings, and almost drunk on the morbid possibility that this would be the end of everything, if Shuusuke kept insisting he wasn't interested.

"Our parents were happy that you broke up with him, you know." It was hardly a masterful diversion, but Shuusuke knew that Yuuta would fall for it nonetheless.

"What do you mean? They never said anything to _me_. I thought they liked him!"

"They did," Shuusuke said, finding the change in Yuuta's eyes painful. "But can you really not see why they would be happy?"

"No," Yuuta said mutinously.

"Then I shall tell you, although I know you already know. They're expecting you to get married and settle down now; they think it was just something you had to get out of your system."

"Well, I _do_ want to settle down! Just... I don't want to get married. I want-"

"Don't say it," Shuusuke said dangerously. "Don't you dare say it."

"I want _you_," Yuuta said loudly, into the swallowing silence of the shadowy lounge. His brother's eyes burned into him, even though he could barely see them. He just knew they were there; he could feel them, and now he was scared. Aniki was never sharp with him, was _never_ angry with him.

"Yuuta, it was a mistake. I should never have let it happen." The artificial venom in Shuusuke's voice hurt regardless of the insincerity.

"It was a _mistake_? Tensai Fuji Shuusuke _never_ makes mistakes!" Yuuta sprang up and smouldered down at his brother, who was still annoyingly perched, cross-legged, on the infuriatingly stylish coffee table.

"He did seven years ago. It was a night I should never have let happen."

"Why?" Yuuta's voice trembled with something that was neither rage nor upset, merely fear. "Why was it a mistake? Was I not good enough for you? Was I just _there_? I can't believe that. I _won't_ believe that."

"You can believe whatever you'd like, Yuuta. But you're wasting your time and your heart, and that's really something I don't want to have to kick out of the door. But I will, if you don't start to understand."

"What the fuck is _wrong_ with you?" Yuuta intended to lean down and shake Shuusuke's shoulders, but instead shoved him backwards so he fell down on the narrow table, his head narrowly avoiding hitting the floor as his back bent further than it was ever designed to.

"God, I'm _so_ sorry, I didn't mean to do that, I'm sorry, I'm really sorry..." Yuuta was babbling as he pulled him back up, cheeks burning with shame.

"I think you should go now," Shuusuke said, voice devoid of emotion. "Unless you intend to bend me back over this table?"

"I don't... I didn't... I want _you_ to..."

"You want me to push _you_ onto my table? My, Yuuta, you've got rough over the years." Shuusuke stood up and gestured down to the glass top. "I don't think so; I don't want cracks in my favourite table."

Yuuta's voice was viscous with humiliation. "What _do_ you want, then? Why are you playing these games with me? Don't you care at _all_?"

"I," Shuusuke said, taking hold of Yuuta's shoulders, "care too much." He stared into his eyes, shaking Yuuta to the core, and then captured his lips with his own, a dark kiss that was full of everything but emotion. "Is this what you wanted? We can stay in the dark, I can fuck you on the floor, you can have what you want, and then you can leave again and we can pretend it never happened. It would be foolproof."

Yuuta pushed Shuusuke away again, this time not caring at all whether he tripped over the table or not. "Get off me! Don't ever do that again! What on earth is it you think that I want? I don't want some sordid little affair in the dark! I want _you_, I want _us_, I want... I want it all. I want it all. Everything."

"And it took you this long to realise it?"

"No, it took me this long to gather the courage to _tell_ you this, after you never let us happen again." Yuuta could feel his heart trembling in his chest, could feel his neck throb and his body empty of everything but the confusion and fear that his brother was doing everything in his power not to alleviate.

"Why are you telling me this if you know that I'd never let us happen again?" Shuusuke was sounding bored again, and Yuuta knew he was losing him.

"Because..." He _had_ to get his attention, had to say _something_ that would make him take him seriously. "Because you're scared and you won't admit it."

Shuusuke laughed the laugh of the unamused. He sounded like a cartoon villain, which was somehow frightening, in the dark, lit only by the lights outside.

"Do you really not understand it?"

"I can't if you won't tell me!"

"I'm scared for _you_, Yuuta. One move, and I could ruin your life, and you wouldn't realise it till it was too late. Do you understand me? It would be _too late_. And I cannot, _will_ not, be responsible for that. Stop asking it of me; stop asking _anything_ of me, for I will have to refuse, every time."

"My life? What about yours!"

"What about it?"

"Have you just given up, on _everything_? What are you _waiting_ for, if not me? You haven't had a date for seven years! _Seven years_! Don't think I don't know what that means!"

"And what _does_ it mean?"

"That you're still in love with me!"

Yuuta hadn't meant to shout, but it had been powerful enough to bring surprise to Shuusuke's face, and maybe that meant he was getting somewhere.

"And if I am?" Shuusuke said quietly, turning his head to stare out of the window. "What would you have me do? What would you have _us_ do?"

"Isn't it obvious? We could get a place together, or I could move in here – your apartment's way too big just for one person, after all – and we could just... live together. What's hard about that? Isn't it simple?"

"Yuuta, you do know that mother and father will be disappointed in you? Have you thought about that?"

"Of course I have!" Yuuta couldn't understand why aniki was making this as hard as he was. Why was he being so _obtuse_? "And who _cares_? They were okay with my boyfriend, they've been okay with _everything_ I've done, so what's the big deal? They'll get over it, won't they?"

Shuusuke fell silent. Yuuta was beginning to wonder if he would respond at all, and then: "They got over _me_..." He almost didn't catch it, it was so quiet.

"You mean... they know?"

"When your prodigy son is single for seven years, a bachelor distinctly not living it up in central Tokyo, questions get asked."

"You _told_ them?"

"Answers get anticipated, and Yumiko's not the only one who can see things."

"What did they _say_ to you?"

"Not very much. We all laughed and then I showed them my latest photography shoot."

Yuuta found this information hard to process.

"So you all just... swept it under the carpet?"

"We would've done, if I'd had carpet. Isn't that the best way?"

"_Is_ it?"

"Not really," Shuusuke said with a smile that made Yuuta feel sick. "But we're still talking, and that's... nice."

"Well," Yuuta said, biting his lip and then punching his thigh, trying to rile himself up sufficiently for what he needed to say. "If they don't approve, then I don't care."

"Don't you?"

"Your approval is-"

"Don't say it."

"Your approval is more important to me."

Shuusuke sighed, a small, shuddery sigh. "Oh Yuuta..."

"Aniki, I've been thinking about you for seven whole years. No, scratch that, _ten_. I can't give it up. I can't stop thinking about you, I can't stop thinking about how we _felt_ together, I can't stop thinking about you _anywhere_. Everything I see reminds me of you, _everything_. So..." He took a deep breath, seemingly trying to suck the whole room into his lungs. "So... please don't do me the disservice of turning me away when I _know_ you feel the same."

Shuusuke fell quiet again, and the apartment descended into something that felt to Yuuta like being trapped at the bottom of a well, the Tokyo lights marking the only way out, far above.

"Come with me." Shuusuke took hold of Yuuta's hand and led him into the bedroom; he was obviously expert at traversing his home in the dark. Maybe he didn't want a high electricity bill, but more likely he just preferred the dark.

Shuusuke motioned for Yuuta to sit on the bed. "One night," he said. "I'll love you for one more night, and then, if you're sure, I'll love you for another. And then another. Forever, if that is what you end up desiring, just... don't make any promises or declarations you might not be able to keep right now. Just this is enough tonight."

Yuuta nodded, almost trembling with surprise and anticipation. He made a quick sweep of the room with his eyes, trying to commit the whole feeling to memory before he was swallowed down and away by his brother out of the room and into that place he'd been unable to forget for the better part of a decade. There was another expansive window, lit also by the twinkling lights of Tokyo, and he realised then, if he hadn't known it already, that Shuusuke was a beauty junkie. And he was looking at Yuuta, right now, as if he were more of a drug than even the sparkling night sky, than even the forests and gardens and temples of the world.

He opened his mouth to say something, but Shuusuke put a finger over his lips and said "Not a word, Yuuta. Just feel for me. Can you do that?"

Yuuta nodded, and allowed himself to be pushed slowly down onto the bed. He allowed his socks and shirt and slacks to be removed, allowed everything to be taken off and discarded until Shuusuke was sliding over him and kissing him, dark again but now full of the emotion he had been keeping from him before.

"Aniki..." Yuuta moaned, the feel of Shuusuke's naked body against his infusing him with a heat he hadn't suffered from since he'd been seventeen.

"Just relax and let me love you, Yuuta..." Shuusuke said, kissing him again and rubbing against him, gasping as their hips ground against each other again and again, surprised as he realised he was in danger of losing control. Grinding harder seemed to resolve this temporarily; the little sounds Yuuta was making as he was overwhelmed made Shuusuke feel more in charge, which was what he needed to be. If he wasn't in control, he would be in danger, if Yuuta chose not to repeat this night. He didn't want to have to survive that vulnerable.

"Aniki aniki aniki stop!" Yuuta begged, although he sounded more like it was the opposite that he wanted. Shuusuke could _feel_ the heat radiating from his cheeks and so reluctantly slowed down and then stopped, taking the pause to enclose Yuuta's nipples in velvet, liquid fire, trembling from the fulfilment of years of want. Yuuta needed to calm down but not _cool_ down, until he was steady enough again for Shuusuke to give him what he'd spent the whole night fighting for.

Yuuta's breath kept catching somewhere between his lungs and his lips; even turning his head to catch a glimpse of the lights outside could not take him away from the tumbling chute he and his brother were hurtling down. He didn't think they'd ever reach the bottom, or even skid off over the sides, but he was wrong, as Shuusuke, still nipping and sucking his nipples, reached out clumsily to the side and grabbed at something and then began with the best preparation he had _ever_ felt. Yuuta was well aware, if awareness had been something he possessed at that time, that it still hurt, but it was a _good_ kind of hurt, wasn't it? He was desperate for his brother, desperate for a love, a lust, that had been kept under the surface for seven years, and he _wanted_ it to hurt, wanted to feel everything it was possible to feel before the euphoria set in and he was catapulted off the slide and into the black utopia that was to follow.

"Hard. Please." Plea or command, Shuusuke couldn't argue; Yuuta's reaction to every thrust was keeping him powerful, was allowing him to believe that he was still in control and that he wasn't falling down with Yuuta into the blackness waiting for them below. He even forgot to remind Yuuta that he'd asked him not to speak; perhaps it was better this way after all...

"A-a-a-aniki..." Yuuta was gasping for air, the lights outside shining off his lips, off his hair, and Shuusuke lost control, too far gone to even feel chagrin for his fall. There were twinkling lights, something he'd never imagined there'd be when he was hurtling down and down and down, but they were beautiful, and shimmered all the colours of a negative rainbow as he collapsed onto Yuuta in the dark and the peace. Somewhere while he'd been falling, Yuuta had already hit the bottom, and was still trying to take oxygen into himself, to replace the liquid sex that filled his lungs and his heart and his body, drowning him.

When he had caught his breath, Yuuta looked up at his brother and moved his lips, trying to say something until Shuusuke cut him off.

"Don't say it," he said, although the epitome of kindness was in his eyes this time. "Just tonight is enough."

_Make up your mind tomorrow._


	2. Letting Go

﻿Shuusuke wished, with everything he had, every fragment of himself focused on the lights outside, that Yuuta snored. He wished that Yuuta snored, or that Yuuta sprawled out and hogged the bed, or that Yuuta kicked or mumbled in his sleep, or even all of these – maybe _especially_ all of these. Because if Yuuta had been doing all these things, he wouldn't be feeling as if he was dissolving inside as he padded softly from his bed to the living room, curling up on the sofa without even bothering to find extra pillows, a blanket, or even just a top half to stop himself from waking up in just a pair of boxer shorts on his sofa on a Saturday morning. He'd fall asleep eventually - he had to - and that's what would happen: he'd wake up barely dressed, bleary-eyed, on his own sofa, with the ice-cold dread of having to face what he'd done the night before.

He wished Yuuta snored. When he inevitably woke up and found himself abandoned in an unfamiliar bed, it would be so much better for him to hear that Shuusuke was too used to sleeping alone, too accustomed to having perfect silence, than for him to be told that Shuusuke couldn't bear to fall asleep next to him.

He'd tried. He'd lain there for an hour, or maybe it had been two, he didn't know, as time seemed to have expanded and contracted like the genesis of the universe again and again; but he had lain there a long time, eyes closed, eyes _open_, trying to overdose on Yuuta's sleeping form; eyes fluttering halfway between sleep and the lazy blues of the room in vain. But he just couldn't fall asleep, _couldn't_ commit himself to finding peace lying next to his brother. A tight panic had begun gradually to descend all around him, ribbons binding his arms to his sides and closing his lungs and tying off his throat, and he'd just had to get out and away, before he screamed and self-destructed.

He couldn't fall asleep here either, though. The view of night-time Tokyo was just the same from this window, the atmosphere was just the same, _everything_ was still the same, apart from his no longer having to watch his little brother breathe softly in and out through the night. Nothing had changed by coming out to the living room; just, maybe, he had thought that he could pretend that nothing _had_ changed, if he were on his own. Maybe he could pretend that Yuuta had never come, that Yuuta hadn't managed to seep through his walls and his skin, that he had not been washed away in a moment of weakness.

No amount of pretending was ever going to work, though. He knew this, he _knew_ it, and yet, he knew that he couldn't face facing up to it, either. He didn't want to see Yuuta in the morning. He didn't want to see his smiling face, didn't want to have to watch that smile be blown away out into the city skies as he saw that his beloved elder brother was going to be just as cold with him now as he had been last night. Yuuta was going to be _crushed_, but Shuusuke knew – _this_, he knew – that being crushed was better than suffocating slowly and painfully in a relationship that could never work. He should have been more careful, should never have allowed Yuuta in to talk to him. There was a side of himself that would obtain what he wanted at the expense of all else, and the lock of brotherly protection was so fragile as to be all but useless, when Yuuta was next to him, talking to him, asking him to love him with eyes that betrayed that he didn't know what he was asking for. Shuusuke wanted to brand Yuuta as his, wanted to mark him and possess him and keep him safe from everyone else, wanted to _love_ him, but these feelings were dangerous, and reason enough to keep himself as far away from Yuuta as possible, because if they stayed, if Yuuta stayed, Shuusuke didn't know if he could ever let him go.

If he could just jump and fall, he would. If he could just grab Yuuta's hand and jump down into utopia, he would do it. But it was impossible, wasn't it? Yuuta believed in it, but what would happen to him if his big brother wasn't there to stop him from jumping? If they were both foolish, they'd both end up crippled and broken; although it was kind of ironic, really, because that was how Shuusuke felt right now, except that his limbs were whole and he was stuck in place instead of falling. Maybe that was worse, to be static and making a mistake than to be fluid and still ruining things. If it was worse, though, then he would happily bear it, to prevent Yuuta from wandering off the cliff after following a broken-off signpost. It was too late, wasn't it, for just one night of their lives to be resurrected? Yuuta had managed for seven years without it; he could manage another seven, and then another seven after that. Shuusuke didn't think that _they_ could manage seven together. Too much was in the way, and when Yuuta realised, it would break both of their hearts, and the breaking of Yuuta's heart was the one thing Shuusuke would not allow. If he had to be mean, if he had to be _cruel_, if he had to say things he didn't mean, in order to keep Yuuta away, then so be it.

A small part of him knew that he was scared, of course - scared of allowing a life he had settled into over the course of seven years to change; scared of allowing both himself and Yuuta to get hurt; scared of even how he was supposed to _act_ if they really were to become more than brothers; scared of losing the last family member he had who genuinely held affection for him – but the idea of challenging his fears seemed trivial in the face of considering Yuuta's future well-being. It didn't matter one bit whether Shuusuke was scared of anything or not, if his base consideration was that Yuuta would come out the other end damaged, were they to forge a relationship built on futility.

Sleep never came easy when one's thoughts too were uneasy. Shuusuke's dreams were filled with sensations of falling, and waves crashing against cliffs, smashing Yuuta against them again and again until only his old St Rudolph jersey remained atop the waters - but waking was just as uneasy, as Yuuta was watching him, sitting on the very table Shuusuke himself had sat on the night before.

He wasn't ready for this. He hadn't considered that Yuuta would wake before him, that Yuuta would have questions to ask of him, questions that he had not had time to prepare answers for. This was wrong, it was all wrong, but Yuuta had seen him open his eyes, there was no blanket to retreat under, and he would have to submit Yuuta to the worst his unprepared self had to offer in the way of rebuffs and dissuasions.

"You could have just kicked me if I snored, you know," Yuuta said, smiling at him with the smile of someone who was glowing inside after a shift in their world. "I respond well to kicking."

"You don't snore," Shuusuke replied immediately, then wanting to kick himself for not giving himself enough time to think.

Yuuta looked momentarily puzzled. "I didn't think I did, really, but... why are you... why did you sleep on the couch? Your bed's _amazing_, I'd've thought you'd need to be paid to leave it..."

"I just couldn't sleep, that's all." Why could he tell neither lies nor truth? Shuusuke was condemning them both to conversational limbo.

"... Why not?" Yuuta's smile was fading, and Shuusuke was forced to steel himself against the despair being awoken in him. It was, after all, his job to make Yuuta frown, wasn't it? But that wasn't right; it wasn't right at all.

"I..." Shuusuke closed his eyes and then sat up as straight as he could manage while he was sinking into the sofa cushions. "I didn't want to go to sleep with you."

"Why... not?"

"Because I don't want to be with you. It doesn't feel right. I can't sleep, I don't feel comfortable around you, I don't want you here."

"But you were happy to have sex with me last night."

"I was lonely."

"Oh, come on..." The grey of Yuuta's eyes intensified. "You don't get something that passionate from loneliness alone. I... I know that you love me, so why are you saying these things? Why weren't you there when I woke up? Why isn't _any_ of this at all how I'd imagined it would go? I thought you cared about me!"

"Well, maybe you were wrong."

Yuuta threw himself up and then looked for a moment as if he was going to sit right back down, before shakily standing his ground. "For God's sake! Stop playing these... these _games_ with me, and tell me what it is that's actually _wrong_, because if you think I'm going to give up on this just because you want me to, then you're wrong! You're _wrong_. So you may as well be straight with me, because you'll never get rid of me otherwise!" The words were strong, but Yuuta looked anything but.

"I'm not playing any games, Yuuta."

"What! Of course you are! It's what you _do_, aniki! I'd just... I'd like to believe that the ones you're playing are with my head, not with our... with what it is we have."

"And if I tell you that I _have_ been playing games by sleeping with you?"

"Then..." Yuuta took a deep breath. "Then I would have to call you a liar, because that's what you'd be. Please don't make me have to call you that. You're still supposed to be setting me a good example, you know?" The humour he was trying to inject fell painfully flat on both of them.

"A good example would be not taking advantage of you, so I won't do that from now on. Is that good enough for you?"

"Aniki..." Yuuta's tone was halfway between pleading and exasperation. "It... it doesn't work that way! It's never worked that way. I just want you to love me... and... that shouldn't be too hard, should it? Why are you so scared?"

"Scared?" For someone who was feeling first and thinking second, Yuuta was getting remarkably close to the crux of Shuusuke's reluctance. "What makes you think I'm scared?"

"Because you're not denying it. You're answering with questions, all the time, and that means you're scared." Yuuta looked as if it was paining him to be talking to his brother like this. "I don't know quite what it is that you're scared of, but it's probably something to do with me, since it always is with you; you're stupid like that." He'd tried to sound affectionate, but it came out as sullen.

Why wasn't Yuuta giving up? Why couldn't he just _understand_? Or, well, not _understand_, because that would mean he'd try to work things out when they just couldn't be solved, but, then, why couldn't he just understand that Shuusuke wasn't going to let him ruin his life? Was everything like tennis to Yuuta, where hard training and perseverance could take you to the top of the world?

"Yes, I'm stupid like this." Shuusuke decided to take the conversation in a different direction; talking of his fears was likely to be clumsy, and definitely undesirable. "You say that this isn't going the way you'd imagined: what _had_ you imagined?"

Sitting back down again, Yuuta looked pensive. "You'd be, well, acting like my _brother_, for one thing. Or, well, not quite like my _brother_, because we'd be... we're... well, what I mean is that you'd be acting like _yourself_! You'd be surprising me and kissing me and making me grumble at you, and we'd, er, hardly be able to keep our hands off each other, you know? That's how I thought it would be."

Yuuta had been right; Shuusuke _was_ scared, but now of something entirely new.

"When was the last time I was like that with you, Yuuta?" he said, almost to himself.

"Seven... years ago..."

"Seven years..." Shuusuke's lips tried to mouth this back to Yuuta, but no sound came out. Everything about him felt dry now, as if he had drunk nothing for those seven years and had only just realised.

"Aniki..." Yuuta's face was stricken with a collection of things Shuusuke could only begin to guess at as his mind became stuck on processing what he had only partially touched on before. The decision to begin treating Yuuta entirely platonically had been completely intentional and calculated, of course, after he'd first realised what a mistake sleeping with him back when he had just been about to leave for university had been, but it had grown into something else, now. It had become him, shaped his feelings and who he _was_, and suddenly he was aware that he had not been in as much control of it as he had once believed. He hadn't stopped _feeling_ for Yuuta, but he _had_ fallen entirely out of touch with who he and they had been, back when everything had been safe and everything he'd said and done could have been brushed off as merely teasing. Fuji Shuusuke had always been a tease, after all. But was that part of him gone, now? Could he still feel it, somewhere, merely tucked away behind the walls in his chest that held everything away? He didn't know, anymore.

"Aniki... I should... I should have realised earlier."

"Realised what?" Shuusuke knew, however, that he was saying this obviously for show; the hollowness of his voice filled in all that was missing from his face.

"That you... that you, well, stopped _living_, after we..."

"That's nonsense, Yuuta. I'm still here, I have a job, I have friends... you're being overly-dramatic."

"No!" Yuuta's hand slammed itself down onto the table top of its own accord. "No. You're not the same, you've changed, and it's not a good kind of change. It's like you've... it's like you've stoppered everything up that you feel, and it's poisoning you, and you're so used to it that you're _enjoying_ it now, and aniki, you need to stop _doing_ this!"

"Maa, getting metaphorical now? If I let it out, it will poison you too, Yuuta. And I won't let that happen. Like I said last night, I will _ruin your life_."

"Is that a promise? You know, for someone trying to be so selfless for family, you're really fucking _selfish_!" Yuuta's demeanour had suddenly shifted to righteous aggression; Shuusuke had evidently pushed him over the edge this time. "Let go of me, let me choose my _own_ future, let _me_ decide if being with you is going to fuck up my life! How can you possibly have the right to decide this for me when you've fucked up pretty royally with your own!"

"Yuuta, that's enough."

"No, it's not! You're... I can't let you live like this anymore! It's my fault, aniki, it's _my fault_, and if you think I'm going to be able to walk away, knowing that you'll be stuck here like this, then..."

Shuusuke sighed impatiently, although it was entirely fake. "You're not going to be able to make everything better just by waving a magic wand, however nice that wand may be."

"But look, _see_? Already you're starting to say things like that!" Yuuta looked like he was halfway between laughing and crying. "If you just... if you just let me _be_ with you, then, maybe, things will change. I'm not – I'm not saying it'll be instant, or anything stupid like that, but aniki, we could be _happy_! What is there not to get?"

"Evidently a whole catalogue of things that you haven't looked at yet," Shuusuke said, not sure whether he meant his humour to be dry or just cruel.

"That's not fair, aniki. You think I haven't thought about what this would mean? Of course I have! I'm just not as..."

"Concerned for your own well-being as I am?"

It was Yuuta's turn to sigh impatiently now. "No, I'm just not as scared of it as you are. Or maybe I want it more than you. I don't know. Which is it? Because if you really don't love me as much as I love you, then you can just tell me, and I'll leave. But, I'll know if you're lying."

"Of course I love you as much as you love me. Maybe more. You have no idea. But..."

"But nothing, aniki. You said, last night, that you'd keep loving me for as long as I wanted you to, and what I want is -"

"No," Shuusuke interrupted. "No. I asked you last night not to make any promises you won't be able to keep, so don't make any."

Yuuta swung his leg out and kicked the front of the sofa as if he were hoping it would burst. "Stop it! Stop being so... stop being so bloody selfish and single-minded! It's not normal! You're supposed to be selfish for _yourself_, if you're going to do it at all! What is it you _want_, aniki? What is it? Because I _cannot_ believe that it's a life on your own without me. And, you're making me say all these things, and that's selfish of you too, because it's _weird_, talking about myself like this, and it's weird talking about _you_ like this, and I really can't see what your _problem_ is with letting yourself have what you want!"

"I don't think you could handle what it is that I want."

"Oh yeah?" Yuuta was looking a little unsure now, though. "Try me."

Shuusuke appraised him for a moment. "I want you. I want you to be mine." He leaned over and trailed his fingers down Yuuta's cheek, cupping his chin, Yuuta's face beginning to get warm. "I want you to be mine so badly that I wouldn't think twice about chaining you up in my bedroom so you'd never get away. I'd settle only for sometimes, of course, but it's forever I'd really want. You'd look beautiful locked up. Don't you think?"

Yuuta hadn't been sure of whether his brother was playing more mind games or if he really was serious, until Shuusuke kissed him. He knew, then, that his brother hadn't even begun to touch on the depths of his sincerity, hadn't even begun to convey to Yuuta the strength of his need to possess him completely.

"Aniki..."

"You see, Yuuta? Giving me what I want isn't so easy, is it? Once I have it, I'll never be able to let it go..."

"Then don't," Yuuta said. "Don't. It's... it's okay with me, if you feel that way. I hadn't ever imagined that... well, that you'd want me like _this_" – he was blushing now – "but I think I can deal with being locked up sometimes. Metaphorically. Although there are a few things we could try out..."

Shuusuke was, for once, at a loss for words. He'd been as outrageous and dangerous as possible, whether out of a desire to be definitely rejected or merely to shock he wasn't quite sure, but for Yuuta to be apparently unfazed...? He was blushing more than he'd seen him do for a very long time, but other than that, he seemed calm, when Shuusuke had been painfully sure he wouldn't be.

"I don't quite understand it, I don't think, but... really, anything you want is... fine, with me. It's fine. Nothing you can do or feel will frighten me away, it's too late for that - we've had a lifetime of being together and I'm used to you. So if you think I'll leave because you love me too much, then you're wrong." Yuuta laughed sheepishly. "Heh, I don't think I've ever told you you're wrong so much in one morning. How's it feel?"

"It feels... good," Shuusuke said. "Positively euphoric."

"Hey hey, I'm supposed to touch you first, before you start saying things like that!"

"What can I say? I've decided to run off with your voice – it's better with its hands than you are with yours."

Yuuta laughed quietly, and Shuusuke looked straight at him then. Yuuta was grinning at him, looking pleased, and so he smiled slowly back. Yuuta didn't realise that the smile was more predatory and less innocently happy until Shuusuke had wrapped his arms around him and consumed him in a kiss so infused with passion that Yuuta could only moan and make futile efforts to kiss him back until he pulled away.

"Would you like to feel euphoric too, Yuuta?" Shuusuke smirked indulgently and stood back up, enjoying the look in Yuuta's eyes as he took in every inch of Shuusuke's body, unable to do anything but stare, until he pulled his gaze away and said:

"So we're... good? You're going to do this? I managed to break you down enough?" He sounded an amusing mixture of horny and incredulous.

"I don't know about 'breaking me down', but... yes. I suppose I need to learn to let go of you a little bit, so that chaining you up is even sweeter." Shuusuke was smiling as he said it, but Yuuta felt something funny happen to his stomach even so, and the feeling multiplied and flipped as his brother offered him his hand, pulling him up from his seat, and started leading him back to the bedroom where, really, they should have been from the very beginning.

"If you're happy with living here," Shuusuke said, as he led Yuuta through and shut the door, "then we can move your things here tomorrow, if you'd like."

"Why not today?" Yuuta said, gesturing towards the window. "We have all day, since it's only" – he glanced at the clock – "seven thirty, since your stupid window doesn't have any blinds and it woke me up. We need to buy some blinds, okay?"

Shuusuke nodded absently. "Okay to the blinds. I never bought any because I liked being woken up by the sun, but I think I'll be enjoying staying up late from now on..." He grinned in such a way that made Yuuta start to wonder if he was going to be getting more than he'd bargained for, but that made Yuuta grin too.

"And not today," Shuusuke continued, "because you won't be needing your clothes until tomorrow."

"Oh," Yuuta said. "Okay." He tried to sound nonchalant, but both of them knew that all that was keeping him away from exclamation marks was a need to preserve some sort of personal pride before it was all stripped away along with his clothes, on the bed.

"Are you still sure, though? I know it's stupid of me to ask again, but I just... wanted to make sure, before we do all this again."

Shuusuke closed the gap between them, placing his hands on Yuuta's hips gently. "I'm still sure," he said, quietly, affectionately, looking Yuuta straight in the eye. "Things will be difficult, I'm sure, but I shall try. I'm never going to stop wanting you, you know..." As he said this, he slipped one of his hands beneath the waistband of Yuuta's sweatpants (a pair that was slightly too short for him, and must thus have been raided from Shuusuke's wardrobe) and teasingly started to stroke his thigh, removing his hand and sauntering over to the bed when Yuuta began to indicate that his hand would be appreciated elsewhere.

"Mmn, before any of that, I want to find out about you, Yuuta."

Yuuta looked at him quizzically as he joined him on the bed. "What do you want to know? Don't you already know everything...?"

"There are still some things I'm sadly lacking..." Shuusuke said lasciviously, moving to straddle Yuuta's hips and teasing at his clothing again. "I want to find out everything that makes you feel good – everything that makes you sigh and moan and beg me for more. I can't stand not knowing, you see. I need it all... so I'm going to have to touch every last inch of you until I've memorised it. Do you think you can last that long?"

"... Yes," Yuuta said, and then had to clear his throat and repeat himself, as his first attempt had been a failure.

"All I need you to do is let me know when something feels good," Shuusuke purred, easing Yuuta's sweatpants down over his thighs. "And then, once I'm happy, you can fuck me. Sound good?"

"... Yes," Yuuta said, the same thing happening to his voice as last time. Was his brother really happy to give away control like that? Was he really happy to let himself depend on Yuuta like this? It sounded it, but the flippant way he'd said it...

"Now just spread your legs and relax," Shuusuke said, running a hand over Yuuta's stomach and making a noise of approval at how his skin felt under his fingers. "Close your eyes, too. I'll be working from the top down, so don't get too excited..."

Doing as instructed, Yuuta settled into a comfortable position on the bed, eyes closed, and wondered whether his brother really was going to be as thorough as he'd promised. It would take a while, wouldn't it? Yuuta already knew most, if not all, of the things that pleased him, but aniki would probably hate being helped by one of Yuuta's old boyfriends, wouldn't he, and Yuuta didn't want that. If his brother wanted to lick and stroke every part of him, then he wasn't going to complain... and certainly not when he was running his fingers sensually just above his collarbone and making Yuuta shiver. He voiced his pleasure and was rewarded with both hands stroking, which felt divine. It was _definitely_ good that they weren't taking shortcuts with this. Aniki had tried his fingers and his lips on Yuuta's ears and neck, but they were nothing when compared to this. Or his sides, which were _almost_ ticklish but mostly full of the nerves that made his toes curl.

"Mmn, I already know you like this, but I just can't resist, Yuuta..." Still stroking his sides, Shuusuke leant down and started gently biting at his nipples, alternating between tongue and teeth as Yuuta moaned.

His moans got louder as Shuusuke stroked and licked down the lines between his hips and thighs, hoping for something more but also wanting him never to stop. Everything felt sharper when it was aniki doing it; everything felt more intense and as if he were made of liquid heat inside, and Yuuta was starting to feel desperate to have his brother. He choked as he felt warm breath above him, a promise of what he was wanting fulfilled, but as he felt Shuusuke's hands move down to stroke his inner thighs, he let out a groan of frustration as he realised that aniki was a terrible tease and had no intention of fulfilling anything just now. He even had the audacity to chuckle as he heard Yuuta groan at him.

"Maa maa, you can wait a little longer surely, Yuuuuta?"

Yuuta swore that he could feel the amusement in Shuusuke's voice drip down onto him, it was that laden with it, but it then stopped mattering because what he was doing to his thighs was positively _indecent_, and all thoughts of anything but being as approving as possible in order to receive more were cleared from his head.

"Aniki...! Oh God, _aniki_...!"

There was another chuckle, this time right against his skin, and it _vibrated_, and Yuuta's reaction led to yet another silken laugh, until he didn't think he could take it anymore.

"Fuck, aniki, I need you... right... now..." he managed to gasp out, moaning once more as Shuusuke laughed at him again. He expected his brother to tease him some more, as that was the kind of thing he _did_, but he surprised him by saying "Mmn, I need you too, Yuuta," in a voice that sounded almost as desperate as Yuuta felt. "I'll... finish the rest of you later..." Aniki was human after all, it seemed.

Yuuta opened his eyes to see him returning from his fumble on the table beside the bed, holding a small tube out to him and saying "Fuck me?" It sounded _obscene_ coming from his brother, and Yuuta could only nod dumbly, overwhelmed by anticipation and the confirmation that aniki really did trust him to make mistakes and mess things up and still have it be okay. The very first time they'd had sex, all those years ago, aniki had been on top just because things had happened that way and, Yuuta thought now, that possession thing had probably been there too. The second time, last night, aniki had also been on top, but Yuuta could tell it had been because he couldn't give up any control to him, a parallel of the rest of their relationship prior to just half an hour ago. If Shuusuke was in charge, then all mistakes were his fault, and Yuuta would never be able to blame himself or feel ashamed, both in life and the bedroom. But he was relinquishing this hold now...?

"Can you sit up...?" Shuusuke asked breathily after Yuuta had very slowly and carefully prepared him while Shuusuke had stroked himself to distract from the discomfort. "I want to..." He didn't finish his sentence, however, as Yuuta had already done as he was asked, and he thought it easier, at this point, to make it entirely clear what he wanted by placing himself in Yuuta's lap and wrapping his legs around his waist, his chuckle returning at the sound Yuuta made as he processed what was happening.

"Aniki, take it slowly, okay?" Yuuta managed to say, before Shuusuke raised his hips and shifted, taking heed and lowering himself very gently onto Yuuta, his face carefully measured but his eyes betraying that it was currently feeling less than desirable. "In fact," Yuuta said, holding his brother's hips steady with his hands, "I'll take it from here... I don't want you to hurt yourself."

Shuusuke nodded, and so, still holding his hips still, Yuuta began to move, very slowly, holding his brother so that he wouldn't lose himself to the heat and move too fast. Shuusuke was stroking himself again and looked very much as if he was fine with how Yuuta was moving in him, so Yuuta started to thrust a little harder and a little deeper, moaning when Shuusuke asked him for it faster. There was too much to look at, too much to _feel_ – watching his brother's hand on himself, watching him swaying in his _lap_, feeling him all around him – and Yuuta was intoxicated. How had either of them ever been able to wait for _this_? No one but his brother could _ever_ look like this, all sleek, dangerous grace and slender hips they were both fighting to keep still, although it seemed that aniki wanted to lose that particular fight, as his hand moved faster and faster and Yuuta's hands had to grip more tightly. In fact, they _both_ seemed to be losing the fight, so Yuuta, knowing it would frustrate his brother even more but looking forward to it, halted his thrusting altogether and, holding Shuusuke's hips perfectly, maddeningly still, leaned in and kissed him hungrily. Shuusuke, indeed frustrated at having Yuuta's rhythm taken away from him, tried to take control and dominate the kiss, his desire to consume overtaking that of letting go, but Yuuta was not backing down, and Shuusuke found his moans being lost to the both of them until Yuuta finally pulled away.

Unable even to make some sort of witty remark, Shuusuke just tried to glare disapprovingly, but his heart evidently wasn't in it, as Yuuta was able to ignore it and ask "Are your legs okay?" before they were to continue. And once Shuusuke thought about it, he realised they weren't, really; his inner thighs were starting to feel sore, from gripping and being bumped against Yuuta's hipbones – he just hadn't noticed it until they were still.

"Let go, then," Yuuta said, "and let yourself fall backwards." Guiding him down carefully, Yuuta managed to flip their position so that his brother's legs were hooked over his shoulders and he was above him now, and starting once more to thrust into him. Yuuta found that keeping careful watch of Shuusuke's face was almost an overload on his senses, as the amount of trust afforded to him thus far and right now was worth more to Yuuta than he ever would admit, as they had both been embarrassed enough today through frank declarations of love. But, for a relationship that had, only earlier, seemed as if it might fall apart completely and dissolve into nothingness, the very thing that had been threatening its dissolution had now become its binding, and Yuuta found it easiest to convey his thankfulness through the less and less measured rolling of his hips and the less and less measured moaning of his brother's name, an unstoppable mantra of "aniki aniki aniki".

Shuusuke too, watching Yuuta's face, was realising that letting go had been exactly what he'd needed, for everything. Allowing Yuuta to stay, allowing Yuuta to make his own decisions about them, allowing Yuuta to handle their pleasure... it felt so good to have done this he wanted to scream, as loudly as he could, to let it all out and be empty and new once more. He was lifting his hips to meet Yuuta's own, now that Yuuta was no longer guiding him, and, their pace picking up faster and faster, everything for Shuusuke culminated and came to a peak as the magnitude of everything surrounded him. He _could_ give things up to Yuuta, _could_ allow his more than careful hands rein to make mistakes, and if this was a mistake, then he never wanted to see the masterpiece.

"Yuuta..."

His brother collapsing beneath him, Yuuta found it impossible to hold himself back any longer. Hips bucking uncontrollably, and feeling the shocks of his brother's orgasm run through him, he sucked in so much air he could no longer breathe, and then fell perfectly still until his body folded beneath him and he fell onto Shuusuke, panting and heavy.

They lay like this until Shuusuke summoned enough energy to turn his head and look at the clock. "We could go back to bed," he said, in a lazy, sated voice that made him sound almost – _almost_ – like someone else. "It's only... quarter past... eight..."

"I think that's a... good idea. But you need to get off me... first."

"You're on top of _me_, Yuuta," Shuusuke said, and then rolled him off, groaning as his limbs then finally gave up on him.

"Blind shopping tomorrow?" Yuuta asked dumbly, all his words now bypassing his brain completely.

"Yes. And moving your things. It would be good if we can do it when no one's at home... I don't want to" – he yawned – "talk to" – again – "anyone... about it... just yet..."

Yuuta had, though, already fallen asleep. 


	3. Only Self Defence

﻿Back in junior high, Kawamura Takashi had been one of Fuji Shuusuke's best friends. They had remained friends through high school, Fuji had been Taka's best man at his wedding during Fuji's last year of university, and even though Fuji's communications had become less and less frequent afterwards, Taka had been fine with it all. Fuji had had his reasons, he knew, and lives just... grew busier. Fuji had his photography, Taka had a restaurant and a family, and Taka certainly didn't begrudge Fuji for his absences from his life. There was something more than photography, he knew, that was keeping him distant, but he'd always had faith in Fuji that one day he'd share it with him, if ever it was appropriate to do so.

He hadn't imagined that today would be the day, but as soon as he walked into the small café that they'd been meeting in for years (carefully selected by Fuji for its avant-garde décor, and Taka for the generous coffee refills), something about Fuji's face told him that something had changed.

"Fuji! You look... good!" Taka said, as he sat down at the table with him.

"I do, don't I?" Fuji's smile was almost the same as ever, but he sounded nearly surprised at himself as he spoke.

"Did something good happen, or...?" Taka was hedging, in case nothing had happened at all and Fuji was just having a good day, but from the way Fuji was sitting and holding himself, like he was warping all the light in the room to focus just on him, he almost _knew_ that something had happened to make a change.

"Yes... something good _did_ happen..." Fuji looked for a moment as if he was in two minds about continuing, and Taka figured that that was his signal not to pry any further, but Fuji then said, "Yuuta moved in with me a few months ago," looking a little shy as he did so. Taka wasn't used to seeing Fuji look shy, so he tried to choose his words in a way that would be, he hoped, the least embarrassing to him, since for Fuji to be shy about his little brother moving in, there had to be something more to it that he didn't yet know about.

"Oh, Yuuta-kun? You must be really pleased – I know how much you care about him! I take it you're both getting on well...?"

Fuji smiled a small, genial sort of smile, and said, "We're both doing very well, yes. We still have... disagreements, from time to time, but he always forgives me." He laughed, and Taka joined in, because he was well aware of the sorts of things Fuji subjected his brother to, but he thought that Fuji sounded a bit nervous, beneath it.

"What made him move?" Taka asked. "He was living at your parents' before, wasn't he, after he..." He didn't add on "split up with his boyfriend", because Fuji had always acted slightly strangely whenever anything like that was brought up. Yuuta was probably lucky that his brother was so protective of him, but Taka couldn't help wondering about it; wasn't Yuuta-kun twenty four now?

Fuji laughed, but it didn't sound right. "He eventually discovered that one can have _too_ much raspberry pie, and he found he needed a break. My apartment's closer to the sports centre, too." He then folded his hands together and looked straight at Taka. "I'm sorry, I've just told you something that's not quite true."

"Fuji...?" Taka looked puzzled. It wasn't like his friend to lie to him and make things up – in fact, Fuji had always taken great delight in telling the truth, no details spared even when met with scrabbling resistance. It was the way he _was_.

Fuji hesitated – again, something unusual – and then said, quietly, "We're not just sharing an apartment." Taka looked as if he was going to ask something, most likely for Fuji to clarify his statement, but Fuji put a finger to his lips, asking his friend to stay quiet, at least for now.

"Yuuta and I are... in a relationship. He's my lover. We've... well, _I_'ve tried my best to stop it from happening for a long time, but I've... really always loved him. And now that we're together, I don't think I've ever been happier." He sprinkled more chocolate powder on his coffee than he would have liked, for want of something to do with his hands, and then, unable to look Taka in the face now, said, "I'm sorry if this has made you uncomfortable."

"No! Or, well... I can't say that I'm not at least a little bit shocked, but... somehow, I don't actually think I'm as shocked as I should be. Or think I should be. One of those, anyway. And it's probably going to take me a while to get used to the idea, because it's -"

"Weird? Unnatural? Unorthodox?"

"_Unconventional_," Taka said emphatically. "But I... it's _you_, Fuji – I'm... well, _everything_ you do is okay with me, because it's _you_ who's doing it. If I was afraid of a little eccentricity, I, ah, wouldn't have stuck around since junior high, you know? I _hope_ you know..."

"I do know, Taka-san," Fuji said, allowing himself to look at him now. "But it's... are you really okay with this?"

"Why wouldn't I be?" Taka said, as if Fuji was asking him a trick question. "Like I said, it's... unconventional, but I'm not going to be disgusted with you or anything like that when you're so happy! Really, don't regret telling me. Please. Unless you _want_ me to tell you it's wrong?" He said it with a laugh, but Fuji couldn't bring himself to join in just yet. It had been a joke, and he knew that Taka-san hadn't meant anything real by it, but... what if it was true? He'd done the same thing with Yuuta, after all. But that was something to think on later; for now, he had a friend, whose care and loyalty was probably more than he deserved, to drink coffee and eat cheesecake with, and once more, Yuuta had been right that things would work out okay.

"Don't let me interrupt you," Shuusuke said with a barely-suppressed smirk as Yuuta tried very hard to pretend that he hadn't been sliding on his knees on the wooden floor of the living room playing air guitar when his brother had come home.

Turning the volume of the stereo down, Yuuta said, very quickly, "You weren't interrupting _anything_. You saw nothing."

"There's a price for seeing nothing, though..."

"And that's seeing _everything_, right?" Yuuta gave him an exaggerated wink and then started to laugh. "Maybe later, okay? I have a new album to finish listening to, and honestly, it's better than any aural pleasure _you_ can give me, dear aniki..."

"Yes, I suppose I don't yet make you play air guitar in bed... maybe I should start working on that."

"You do that – but first, how was your afternoon with Kawamura-san? Did it... go okay?" Yuuta had assured his brother that he thought it was a good idea to tell such an old friend, if it was what he wanted to do, but what if he'd been wrong? It was always so hard to know what aniki was thinking when he'd just come back from somewhere; you had to wait until he settled into his surroundings a bit before his standard demeanour would start to crack a bit and reveal clues.

"Taka-san is far too good to me," Shuusuke said, laying his arms on the back of the sofa and resting his chin on them. "You were quite right, I shouldn't have worried about it. He didn't even seem all that surprised; perhaps, like Yumiko, he can see things." He laughed, but Yuuta didn't. "The word he used for it was 'unconventional' – I think he's still trying to adjust to the concept, but yes, he's... fine with it."

"Well, that's great, isn't it?" Yuuta said uneasily, a smudge of suspicion entering his voice at his brother's tone. "You're happy, aren't you? At Kawamura-san being happy for us?"

"Of course I am," Shuusuke said. "He's a wonderful friend." Standing up straight, he smiled at Yuuta, a smile that Yuuta had been seeing a lot of recently, and headed off to their bedroom. "I'm going to work on making you play air guitar. Enjoy your album."

After his brother closed the door, Yuuta turned the volume up.

"Hey," Yuuta said, softly, as he entered their bedroom later and carefully shut the door behind him. "You look tired."

"Mmn..." Shuusuke sat up on the bed, and Yuuta had to stop himself from smiling stupidly, because it would never do to show his brother that he thought he looked cute when he'd just woken up; his hair fluffy and his pupils larger than usual. "I fell asleep..."

"Did you get any guitar practice in?"

"Unfortunately not... but we could put band practice in session, if you wanted...?"

Yuuta sat down on the side of the bed and began taking his socks off. "I do want, just as long as we stop with the cheesy metaphors." He laughed and then joined Shuusuke up by the pillows, deciding to try removing his brother's socks using his feet while he kissed him.

Something was wrong with the kiss, though. Or, well, maybe not wrong, but it wasn't right, either. Instead of how it should have been, it felt to Yuuta as if he was kissing him with his eyes open when they were actually closed – a sensation of thinking and considering when he should have been merely feeling. It had been like this for a while, too. Weeks.

"Are you okay...?" Yuuta asked, separating from Shuusuke and distracting himself by removing his brother's socks properly – foot manoeuvres were not yet his forte. "You seem... distant, today. Like your mind's gone on holiday or something."

"I'm fine," Shuusuke said quietly. "I was just so keyed up for meeting Taka-san that I haven't come back down from it yet."

"Were you really so worried...? You should have said, you know..."

"I wasn't worried, though," Shuusuke said, staring out of the window, focusing himself on the falling of night outside. "I wasn't worried at all. Don't you think that's bizarre?"

"Well, maybe not really... it's Kawamura-san, after all. He's probably the nicest person in the entire world, so it's not entirely surprising that you wouldn't have been worried. And hey, nothing usually fazes you anyway, you know. Stop thinking about it so much, okay?" Yuuta punched his brother gently on the arm and smiled at him, wanting to ease away whatever it was that was making him act like something of him was missing, but Shuusuke said nothing. He did remove Yuuta's shirt, which under any other circumstances would have been considered a welcome consolation, but Yuuta just couldn't feel excited when his brother felt less like aniki and more like everyone else's 'Fuji', a man who moved through life always one step ahead and two steps removed.

They shared another kiss that felt distant to Yuuta, and he then took Shuusuke's shirt off as well, his brow furrowing when he caught himself feeling surprised that his skin was warm. His brother still looked incredible enough to glue his heart to his mouth, but he seemed _sharp_ today, as if he were a kitchen knife trying surreptitiously to change careers. There was still something hypnotic about him, but it was wrong, and Yuuta didn't like it, but he still couldn't stop himself from running his finger along the blade to see if he'd bleed.

They were both naked, now, and Yuuta felt warm and good as Shuusuke did amazing things with his mouth, but again his brow furrowed, for a second, at the fleeting thought that he was glad that Shuusuke was unable to speak to him right now. Since when had hearing his brother's voice been anything but a powerful aphrodisiac?

_Since his brother had fallen away from him_, something inside supplied, but Yuuta pushed it away instead of pushing Shuusuke, whose given pleasure was greater at the moment, just, than the qualms he stirred up inside him.

He wanted to touch his brother, wanted to forge at least some sort of connection to him, even if it was only one-sided, but Shuusuke was keeping him lying down, and Yuuta was finding that he didn't want to touch him anymore, if he had to fight for it. Everything was a fight, everything had always been a fight, and he didn't _like_ fighting when it was becoming more than obvious that his partner didn't want to be fighting at all. All the other times, he'd known that his brother was wanting him to fight and prove him wrong, but now... now, for weeks, Shuusuke had been letting Yuuta devote himself to him less and less. And this was _stupid_, because Yuuta knew that aniki wanted his fingers, wanted his lips and his tongue and his everything - and he didn't know why aniki wasn't letting himself have it, because Yuuta was more than eager, if only Shuusuke would play. Why wasn't he playing? Yuuta didn't understand it, and he didn't like it.

But he did like being stroked and teased, and he did like the sensation of being filled as his brother pressed into him, and he did like being made to moan as if every thrust of Shuusuke's would be their last, so it was okay, at least for now, wasn't it?

"You said you'd try to let go of me," Yuuta wanted to say, though, between his own exhalations of pleasure. "You said you'd stop deciding what's bad for me and let me choose on my own." Having sex with someone this emotionally unavailable was worse than just having a dark fling with a stranger; it felt good, but every stroke and sigh was like running his finger over that knife, painful only in his psyche, where no one should ever dare to cut him. Why did it still feel so good, and why was he still showing his brother that it did, when really it hurt so much he wanted to howl?

Yuuta felt horrified at himself, at both of them, at everything that was happening and _had_ been happening, but he knew there was no way he could stop until it was all over and he was spent and gasping. The only thing he felt capable of salvaging was in not calling his brother's name; words of passion were spilling from his lips, but none of them were anything that meant anything; none of them were 'aniki'. This _wasn't_ aniki. Not the aniki that Yuuta wanted and needed, at least. How was Yuuta supposed to be okay when his brother obviously didn't believe they could stay together, and was holding something of himself back so that he at least wouldn't be destroyed when they fell apart?

Maybe, maybe, this wasn't it, and something else was causing things between them to melt and dissipate, but it seemed too obvious that not all of Shuusuke was here now, and all other explanations seemed flimsy and forced, just like their sex right now. Yuuta wanted to get away and shout and scream and yell until his lungs were empty and then just keep on going, as otherwise, he was never going to feel purged of the tainted love bleeding all over his body.

Where was Shuusuke? He could hear him and see him and feel him, but where was he? They were as intimate as it was possible to be, now, but where was he?

Yuuta felt used by _himself_ as he climaxed and the world went white for him. This meant, though, that he didn't have to be aware of anything when the same happened to Shuusuke, but the thought, piercing through the fog of satiation, made him feel sick, because normally his brother was beautiful.

Normally his brother was _beautiful_.

"Keep away from me," Yuuta said, voice unsteady as he leapt off the bed, scrambled into his jeans and backed out of the room. "Do you really not know?"

Shuusuke had had the audacity to ask him if he was alright. 


	4. Probably Better

﻿Shuusuke had expected Yuuta to be shooting or blowing things up on his PlayStation when he padded softly out of their bedroom maybe half an hour after Yuuta had fled. The living room was dark, however, and although he thought that he would have heard the front door close if Yuuta had gone out, maybe Yuuta _was_ gone. He had sounded upset enough for it, and Yuuta was impulsive (and wore his precious heart on his sleeve), so he could have thought that going out would be a good idea.

For all Shuusuke knew, maybe it _was_ a good idea. It wasn't that late, and maybe Yuuta had gone to see a friend, or maybe he had gone out for an emotional, street-pounding walk; in this area, it would be refreshing and not at all dangerous.

Maybe Yuuta had gone back _home_ home. That's where Shuusuke thought that _he_ might have retreated, back when he and his parents were on more than cordial phone-calls-on-holidays terms, and since Yuuta still talked to their parents a lot, it made sense. It also made Shuusuke uneasy; would Yuuta decide, once he was back in the safety of his old bedroom at home, that a relationship with his brother was too much for him? How would he react when their parents would be able to tell that _something_ bad had happened between them and would probably radiate quiet disapproval? Yuuta was like both poles of the globe: he would strike out and claim territory for himself if it was what he desired, but he also had an irrepressible need to _please_ the people he cared about and earn their approval. Both these facets of his personality glued him together and prevented him from leaping off into space, but they also meant that Yuuta was surprising, sometimes. Not often - almost not _ever_ - but sometimes.

Maybe Yuuta would surprise Shuusuke this time. He probably deserved it, if he did. Something was wrong with their relationship, and Shuusuke knew that it was at least mostly his fault, if not entirely. He still couldn't bring himself to commit. To _what_, exactly, he wasn't sure, because he _was_ committed to Yuuta, wasn't he, there was no one else – there had never been anybody else in his whole life – but there was still something there that wasn't right, and it was affecting Yuuta too. That was what hurt and made Shuusuke feel alive in his dark apartment: the fact that Yuuta was being made to feel pain because of him.

There was a brighter shaft of moonlight than the rest lying across his wooden floor, and Shuusuke realised the balcony door, set into the expansive glass window that made up the entirety of one of his living room walls, was ajar. Yuuta hadn't gone out after all...

"Yuuta, I'm sorry."

Yuuta remained staring out at the city, but Shuusuke noticed that his neck tensed, as if he'd been about to turn his head but had then thought better of it.

"Do you know what for?" Yuuta sounded less interrogative than he'd probably intended.

Shuusuke started to say something, but fumbled (_how_ could he have fumbled?) and fell silent while he tried to bring forth the words he wanted.

The silence went on too long.

"So you didn't notice that something was wrong just now? Or that something's been wrong for weeks?"

Shuusuke wanted to join Yuuta in resting on the decorative wrought iron handrail, but Yuuta was radiating personal space like a firefly radiated its own light, and he realised that maybe right now he didn't deserve such closeness.

"I've noticed, I've just..."

"Just what?"

Shuusuke wished that Yuuta didn't sound the very opposite when he was trying to be short with him. He wasn't supposed to sound cute, and he knew that he definitely wasn't supposed to sound upset, but the tiny fluctuation in his vocal tone betrayed him. Shuusuke wanted very much to take him seriously, though.

Shuusuke also wanted, very much, to be able to explain what he'd been feeling, and how he'd been acting, but he didn't know if he could.

The silence went on too long.

"You still think we shouldn't be together, don't you." There was no question mark. Shuusuke wondered if there were such things as sadness marks instead.

"I..." he hesitated, again.

"Tell me what you're really thinking, aniki - please." Yuuta turned round to face his brother. His eyes looked wider in the moonlight. "Tell me what I need to hear, and not what I want to. Please."

Were what Yuuta needed to hear and what Shuusuke needed to say the same thing? He initially thought not, but then he realised that what he wanted to say – "I love you, Yuuta" – was not what he _needed_ to say, and that it would do neither of them any good.

Yuuta had been right.

"I... don't think we should be together, no."

Shuusuke thought he heard Yuuta sigh, but he could have been mistaken.

"Why have you still been with me, then? I don't think I understand that bit."

"Because I... because I love you, Yuuta."

Shuusuke wondered why he was trembling all of a sudden. It wasn't cold out on the balcony.

"Do you know what love _is_, aniki?" Yuuta wasn't expecting an answer, though. "I... I can't keep on doing this. I can't. You tell me that you'll stop being stupid, and that you'll stop thinking that you're making my life go wrong, but you just can't do it, can you?"

Shuusuke knew that Yuuta was forcing his face into a glare then to prevent the leakage of other, less welcome, emotions.

He could have said something, in response to Yuuta's question, but something fatalistic was preventing him. He told himself that he wanted to hear everything Yuuta had to say before he did any talking of his own, but...

"And you know, it's kind of ironic, because you've made everything go wrong just by believing that it will. It's funny, really, I guess..." Yuuta's voice seemed to fail him here, and Shuusuke sensed he'd intended to add something else but had decided against it to maintain a steady tone.

He felt as if he should say something here, but Yuuta had been doing a lot of thinking out on the balcony, it seemed, and if Yuuta had reached the same conclusions that he had reached years ago – that Shuusuke would be bad for him, and that nothing they had could be long-term – then it would do neither of them any good to have him protesting.

"Are you really not going to say anything?" Shuusuke couldn't tell if Yuuta was angry or disappointed. He seemed a lot less angry than perhaps he should have been. "What are you _thinking_, aniki? And please don't say 'I love you, Yuuta', because it's weird, and I want to hear things I _don't_ already know. Please?"

"I don't know what to say, Yuuta."

"So that's it? You're going to let me walk out of here tonight because you think it's better for me than being here with you?"

"Do you not think it would be better?"

"No! No it wouldn't!" Yuuta's previous calm was melting away as the effects of his meditation out in the night air dissipated. "I want to be inside, with you, showing you how much I... showing you a really good time! I'm never – well, it's – well, I feel _great_ when we're together – when you're _you_, anyway – and I want that all the time. If I walk out tonight, I'll still have my job, and I'll have a place to stay, and I'll have my friends, and they'll take me out places and I'll probably find... someone new, but it's my second choice, aniki; it would be my second choice."

"I choose you, Shuusukechuu?"

That was entirely the wrong thing to have said, even with an ironic eyebrow raise.

Yuuta was laughing, though. It just wasn't a happy laugh.

"This is really it, isn't it? You don't really want me to leave, and I _really_ don't want to leave, but you're going to let me just to fulfil some stupid idiotic idea you have, aren't you? I know what you're doing – you're making me angry so that it's me who ends this, so you don't have to feel guilty about finishing it yourself. Do you know how _stupid_ that is? _Do_ you?"

"I've always been stupid for you, Yuuta."

Inside, Shuusuke was horrified at himself, but it was too easy to slip into treating Yuuta like this when they were at such an important juncture. If he slipped up, Yuuta would stay. So he couldn't unclench his fists for him, and couldn't wrap his arms around him and bring forth the torrent of apologies he deserved, and he most definitely could not kiss away the almost-unnoticeable waver of his lips. That would be going too far.

"Yes – yes you have. And you've brought nothing but unhappiness with it. You know, the only reason that this hasn't worked is _you_... you know that, don't you?" He could have sounded accusing or vindictive, but all Shuusuke could hear was suppressed upset and crystallised truth. "The only reason I'm going to have to leave is because you haven't let us work. That's the _only_ reason. So don't start thinking to yourself that I've vindicated your stupid, stupid logic by leaving, because it's _you_ who's brought all this about."

"Yuuta... I..."

"Don't bother saying it; I already know. And I believe you, but... I'm still going."

Shuusuke let Yuuta walk to the balcony door unhindered.

"I'll be back for the rest of my stuff at the weekend. I won't need any help in packing it, so don't bother. And don't worry, I won't be bringing anyone you won't want to see."

"Have a safe journey home, Yuuta."

"'Call me to let me know you got home, okay'?" Yuuta laughed the same laugh as he had done before - the one that sounded as if all the cheer had been sucked out of it – and then shut the door.

Shuusuke waited for half an hour on the balcony, staring out at the Tokyo lights that would always remind him of Yuuta in the highs of passion, twinkling and colourful and beautiful. He'd stopped twinkling at night recently, so it was good that he'd gone.

His apartment felt _dark_ when he let himself back in. Shuusuke enjoyed the dark, and that had not changed when Yuuta had been living with him, but it _really_ felt dark tonight, as if there was nothing outside at all. He felt glad for the lights outside, reaffirming the existence of a world beyond his home.

Shuusuke hoped that Yuuta _had_ gone back to their parents' house. Even though their relationship was disapproved of, Yuuta was always welcomed back with pie and cake and warmth, because he was their mother's boy, and far too sweet for anyone to refuse. It would be good for Yuuta to be welcome and fed tonight.

Shuusuke thought back to how he had been feeling before he spoke to Yuuta on the balcony – his selfish, confused thoughts of almost wanting to keep Yuuta for himself – and was glad now that going back home was something he wanted for Yuuta. It was better for him this way.

Before he went to sleep on the sofa, Shuusuke checked for notes Yuuta might have left him. There were none, and it was probably better for him this way. 


	5. Really It's Everything

﻿"Taka-san..."

"Yes, Fuji?"

"How can you tell if you've made a mistake?"

It was almost two am, and Taka was concerned, because Fuji sounded like anyone else would sound drunk, and that meant he was painfully sober and thinking too hard about things that only Fuji could think about.

"Er... I suppose it depends on the circumstances, really..." Taka wasn't quite sure where Fuji was going with this, but if he had called up at two in the morning, then it had to be important, or, at least, Fuji's kind of triviality, and Taka never really could tell the difference. "Do you... do you want me to come over? It wouldn't be any trouble..." It actually would be, because Taka had to get up very early to supervise the fresh fish deliveries for the restaurant, but Fuji came first, and his wife would understand.

"Thank you. I'd come to you, but I don't think I should be driving..."

Taka agreed with that, after hearing the funny little laugh Fuji gave after it.

The drive over would have been peaceful, since the Tokyo streets were quieter in the middle of the night, but Taka found that all he could concentrate on was his worry for Fuji. He'd sounded pretty... strange, and unease seeped into Taka like solution up litmus paper. It had been a very, very long time indeed since Fuji had called him for help.

"Are you okay...?" Taka asked after Fuji had let him into his apartment with an empty little smile. The living room was lit by a few candles dotted about, and Taka could see the never-sleeping city outside, through the expansive window. Fuji's place was pretty high up in his building, so the view was magnificent.

"I don't know..." That wasn't a very Fuji-like thing to say. "Probably not, but I'm not really sure..."

Fuji was stood close to the window, but with his back to it, facing Taka; the lights outside lit his silhouette, but Taka couldn't really see his face, so he chose to remain standing too, in case Fuji needed a hug or some other kind of physical reassurance. He sounded like he might do, soon, and although Taka felt it was a bit strange, and would never have had an urge to hug Eiji, say, or Oishi, or any other male friend, there was something about Fuji that Taka felt needed protecting, especially when he sounded so small right now.

"Do you want to talk about it...? What was the thing about making mistakes?" Taka wondered if he'd spoken out of line, there, bringing up something Fuji may not have wanted to talk about anymore, but he pressed on anyway, because Fuji looked so lost. "Do you think you might have made one?"

"'Tensai Fuji Shuusuke never makes mistakes' – Yuuta said that, after I'd claimed that something I'd done right was a mistake."

Taka wasn't sure if he was meant to say anything to this. He quite hoped not, because he couldn't think of anything that Fuji might have wanted him to say. At least Fuji wasn't laughing...

"But I think now, last week, maybe I claimed that something I did wrong was right. I let Yuuta go, when he was upset with me. I let him walk out of here and go back home, because it's best that he's not with me. I thought it was the right thing to do, but..."

"But now you don't think so?" Taka almost wished that Fuji was crying, because it would be less painful to watch than him not doing.

"He... there's no way that being with me could have been good for him, is there? So... I don't know if it was a mistake."

"Why couldn't it have been good for him?" Taka spoke a little more boldly than he'd intended, but he really was curious for an answer.

Fuji did laugh, then. Taka didn't like it when Fuji laughed like that.

"Because I'm his brother, and if anyone found out..."

Taka thought about saying "I found out, and it was okay", but didn't, because Fuji already knew that. "Are there any other reasons? Do your parents know, about Yuuta? I mean, because you said he'd gone home now."

"They do know that we were together, but he has gone home, yes. I think they think I just led him astray." Fuji gave his disconcerting laugh again.

"So they still welcome him and talk to him...?" Taka had a feeling that he was going to have to keep plugging away for quite a while until Fuji started contributing to the conversation constructively.

"Yes. But they'll love him more, now that he's come back to them, and -"

Taka knew he had to cut him off before he continued to spill distracted thoughts everywhere, no matter how much he disliked the idea of interrupting Fuji.

"Fuji, if they still loved him when you were together, then the amount of love isn't going to change – it doesn't work like that! Your parents will always love Yuuta, whether he's with you or not, so I don't think you have to worry about that too much..."

"It didn't happen that way with me, though."

Fuji took a cautious step towards him, and Taka had no idea of what he could say. It _hadn't_ happened that way with Fuji, it was true, and it hurt Taka to think that Fuji didn't see his parents very much because they hadn't taken well to his feelings. Fuji knew Taka felt this way, though, and Taka didn't know what to say that could make Fuji feel any better at all.

"That's..."

"Not the same, right?"

"No, that's not what I was going to say. I... Fuji, I think the evidence shows that Yuuta's not going to be ostracised by your family for being with you. The circumstances are... different. I don't think that's a good thing, at all, but it is different."

"There's no way they could approve, though."

"Is that as important to Yuuta as being with you, Fuji?" Taka was finding that the only way he could avoid Fuji having a monologue on his own was to be more assertive than he normally was. "_Does_ he actually still want to be with you? You made it sound as if he does, but he did walk out..."

"He said the only reason he was going was that I hadn't let us work. But I tried... oh, I should have just turned him away when he first came here months ago!"

"But Fuji, you were _happy_, weren't you?" Taka wished that the room was more brightly-lit, but he felt it would be rude to ask to turn some lights on, especially when Fuji was... well, he probably actually _wasn't_ trying to preserve his dignity by making his face hard to see, because he was Fuji, and it was very difficult to read his face even when the world was crumbling, but Taka knew that Fuji liked soft lighting over electric at least. "I've never seen you as happy as you were when I saw you for coffee last week!"

"Apparently I wasn't really happy, though." Fuji sounded strange when he talked about himself like that.

"So... what would make you happy?" Taka found it hard to believe that the answer could be anything but Yuuta, regardless of what Fuji was saying.

Taka found it even harder to believe when Fuji moved closer to him and grasped his shoulders with frail-feeling fingers, pushing himself up on tiptoes and kissing him before he could process what was happening. It was a dark, terrible kiss – a black hole of desperation and fear – and although he really didn't want Fuji to be kissing him, he just couldn't push him away. He had to wait until the black hole collapsed, however hard it was to keep himself from responding. Fuji's lips were soft in the way that stars looked soft, from very far away; they burned when up close, and his fingers clung like gravity.

Fuji eventually pulled away, his lips parting from Taka's with a soft, damp sound that signified the collapse of the universe. His hands were still on Taka's shoulders, starting to dig in hard now, and he remained staring up at Taka's face, looking frightened and small and shocked, and other things that Taka couldn't even begin to guess at.

"Taka-san..." Fuji sounded very far away.

"Fuji, it's okay." Fuji's hands were getting painful now, but Taka didn't mind; it really was all okay. For Fuji, it always would be.

"But it's not. I... I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry, Taka-san. I shouldn't have put you in this position, I shouldn't, and..."

"And...?" Fuji seemed much less manic now, so it seemed safe enough to encourage him to speak.

"And... I... love him. I really really love him. I don't want to be without him, Taka-san! What am I going to do? What am I going to do? I can't let...!"

Fuji had let go of his shoulders, but Taka wished he was still holding on, because then he wouldn't be covering his mouth with his hands and looking as stricken as he was.

"Fuji, if both of you want this, then you can do it, can't you...?"

Fuji shifted his weight slightly, and Taka's heart broke; a tear trail down Fuji's cheek had caught the light, and on closer inspection, Fuji was covering his mouth to make himself breathe through his nose, to make it less embarrassing for the both of them.

As if the kiss hadn't happened at all, Taka wrapped his arms around Fuji and let him cry on his shoulder. If Fuji got mad about it later, then that was okay – just, right now, Taka didn't think that Fuji should have to be in pain alone in the dark when he had a friend with him, even if it would be embarrassing for Fuji later. Taka had never seen Fuji cry in a decade and a half of friendship, so for Fuji to have cracked now... Taka didn't want to think about how dreadful he must be feeling. Plus, crying in the dark didn't really count. And Fuji was being really very dignified with it, so it doubly didn't count. Taka would tell Fuji that, if he got angry with Taka for pulling him close like this later.

"What am I going to do, Taka-san...?" Fuji's voice sounded forcedly level now, but that was good enough for Taka, so he let Fuji go and returned to a manly distance away. Perhaps this was one of those things they'd never mention again.

"I think you need to talk to Yuuta, Fuji."

"But if I do that..."

"Fuji, you're not bad for him. If Yuuta's seemed happy, and he still wants to be with you, then you're not bad for him. Or, even if you are, just for argument's sake, I think... I think you might need to let him make his own mistakes. If you're going to... be lovers... then it's not your job to guide him, it's your job to support him, and counsel him when it's necessary. He needs _you_, not your advice. Just like, heh, you need me and not my advice here when I'm speaking out of turn..."

"No... you've told me something I should have listened to a long time ago. Yuuta told me the same thing, in some of our discussions... just not as eloquently." Fuji laughed, and Taka found that he didn't cringe at it this time. "This really has been all my fault, hasn't it? Yuuta told me I needed to let go of him a bit in order to let him get closer, but I didn't do it. I didn't do it any of the times he asked me, and... no wonder he went home. I hope... I hope he's not too angry at me. Or, not irreparably so..."

"I think he'll be fine. Anger at you is something he's used to, right?" Taka grinned, and Fuji allowed himself a small smile.

"Yes, I suppose that's never kept him away before... except..."

"That was a long time ago, Fuji, and he was young and needed space," Taka said firmly. Fuji gave him a small smile again.

"I need to go and see him, don't I?"

"I think you do." Taka put a hand on Fuji's shoulder in as masculine a way as possible. "It'll be fine, Fuji, I'm sure of it."

"What if they-"

"They'll let you in. They'll have to. And if they think you turning up is bad news, then you can wait a little outside until they give in, right? Talking to them will be good for all of you, I think. I hope. If Yuuta's there too, it will be, won't it?"

"It might well be," Fuji said, sounding more like Fuji than he had all night. "Do you think they'll let me in _now_, though?"

"You'd have the element of surprise, but I don't think _Yuuta_ would want to let you in at this time of night!" Taka laughed to himself, and Fuji laughed a little with him.

"Mmn, maybe not. I should get some sleep, and wait 'til it's tea and cake time, so they can't turn me away."

Fuji was making jokes of his own, so it was probably okay for Taka to leave now. He'd stay up until the deliveries came, and then sleep until it was time to open for lunch. Preparations were what his staff were employed for, after all.

"Thank you, Taka-san..." Fuji said, at the door. "You're far too good to me."

"It's really nothing, Fuji."

But really, it was everything. 


	6. Enough

"He's upstairs," Fuji Yoshiko said, as Shuusuke gracefully slipped into a pair of house slippers and joined her in the hall. She paused for a moment, and then said, "He's been... hoping that you would come. And... so have I."

At Shuusuke's questioning glance, turned away before he could reveal any more of his surprise through the cracks he had hoped weren't actually there, Yoshiko smiled, sadness and pale pride colouring her face like cream; thick but delicate. "He was happier when he was with you. And he says you were too." She paused again, and then: "... Were you?" The question too was coloured with sadness and pride.

"More than I will ever deserve to be."

"... Then keep that thought with you. It will stand you in good stead, Shuusuke." Yoshiko clasped her hands and turned her head to look up the stairs. "Go to him. He's waiting for you, although he's probably too prickly to admit it right now."

"I will handle him with the utmost of care."

"I know you will."

Shuusuke bowed his head and turned to climb the stairs. "'Kaa-san... thank you."

Yoshiko merely nodded, still looking an uneasy mixture of proud and sad for something indefinable.

The carpet softer under his feet than he remembered, Shuusuke made himself knock instead of just letting himself into Yuuta's room as he was used to. It wasn't that he needed to win Yuuta back, necessarily, but there were boundaries now that he had established for himself; boundaries that were important to their relationship as lovers not brothers.

When Yuuta called out for the knocker to come in, Shuusuke opened the door and softly shut it behind him. Yuuta, sitting on the bed with a book, now left splayed open on the covers, looked at once surprised and unsurprised to see him.

"Aniki..." The tone of his voice told Shuusuke that he couldn't decide whether he should be angry or upset or forcedly distant.

"Yuuta," Shuusuke said. "There are things I should have said, and things I should have _done_, and things I should not have done at all." He took a shallow breath that became a deep one as his eyes drank in Yuuta, who was twisting the cuff of his jumper between his fingers as he looked back up at him from the bed. "I fear that 'sorry' is never going to be sufficient, but please allow me to tell you all the things I have been thinking about since I let you go?"

Yuuta looked hesitant, as though he couldn't decide whether to be little brother or Fuji Yuuta. Seeing this, Shuusuke dropped down to one knee and took his hand, pressing upon it an unusually chaste kiss, keeping his head bowed.

"Aniki, what are you doing? You look stupid down there," Yuuta said, sounding like he was thirteen again. "You really better not have a ring."

Laughing softly, Shuusuke raised his head again and let go of Yuuta's hand. "Worry not, although now you're giving me ideas..." At the purposefully blank look Yuuta gave him, he smiled. "Will you listen to me? You don't have to do anything, or like what I say, and you may kick me, if you feel you need to."

"Why would I need to kick you?" Yuuta's face was starting to look softer now. "Stupid brother."

"Mmn, stupid indeed," Shuusuke agreed, his tone becoming braver at Yuuta's almost affectionate words. He'd been counting on his not being able to maintain the artificial sullenness for long; the wariness and hurt were real, but he hoped he could start to soothe those away too, now that it looked as if Yuuta would listen to him. "Yuuta, I've been acting like your stupid brother for too long, and I didn't realise it until I drove you away."

Yuuta seemed uncomfortable looking at Shuusuke, but he didn't turn his face away.

"You told me, so many times, but I didn't listen to you. I thought I knew things you did not, and in trying to protect you, I achieved the very opposite." Shuusuke desperately wanted to kiss Yuuta, to explain the rest of his epiphany with the intensity it deserved, but his words were important to Yuuta right now, he knew. "I shouldn't be acting like your big brother anymore, not when I feel the way I do for you. I should be loving you, and supporting you, and letting you be who you need to be. I wanted what was best for you, but I couldn't stop myself from trying to... control you." There had been only a very tiny pause, but Yuuta knew how significant those pauses were for Shuusuke.

"The whole chaining me up thing?"

"I... yes." Shuusuke laughed softly again, on the lighter side of embarrassed. "And I still want you all to myself, but I want you to have you too." He closed his eyes for a moment and then smiled, looking almost serene. "I'm not going to tell you that I'm bad for you anymore, or that there's something better waiting for you."

"Why not? What made you change your mind?" Yuuta sounded more curious than interrogative. It seemed to be taking up most of his energy keeping up the look of impartiality he was wearing.

"No one could ever love you as much as I do. And don't make that face at me, Yuuta, because I _do_ love you, and no, it's not embarrassing."

"Maybe not for _you_," Yuuta said, but very quietly.

"Definitely not for me."

Yuuta could have sworn Shuusuke had smirked just then, but it could just have been that he was expecting it. He was, after all, far too used to it.

"Yuuta... I love you more than anyone else ever could do, and if it's really me you want, then I can think of no one better than myself for you to be with." Shuusuke's voice then dropped to a reverence Yuuta wasn't sure he'd ever heard before. "I wanted you so much this week. I'd thought I could manage without you, if it meant you would be better off, but no; I can't. I needed to talk to you, and make you coffee, and have the TV remote stolen from me." His voice then dropped further again. "I needed to –"

Yuuta flushed slightly at the words he knew he'd just pre-empted. "That's enough, aniki. It's enough."

"Enough?"

"You've said enough. I believe you. You can stop saying these things now. And you can, er, get up, too. You look like you should be wearing a cheesy tuxedo and singing to me."

"Would you like that?"

"I guess," Yuuta started, "if you really, really, _really_ had to do it, I could bear it. For one song. If no one else was around. But otherwise, no."

"I'll stick to the ring, then." Shuusuke was smirking for definite now.

"Just because I believe you and have probably missed you a lot too doesn't mean you're allowed to make fun of me again yet," Yuuta said, but he seemed to have borrowed a bit of Shuusuke's smirk as he said it.

"Who says I'm making fun of you?" Shuusuke let him take it all, though, when he then said, in the same reverent voice he'd used earlier, "May I kiss you, Yuuta?"

"You know you don't have to ask."

Shuusuke rose from his position on the floor and settled himself on the bed beside Yuuta. "Oh, but I do." Drawing Yuuta to him, he made a point of looking right into his eyes – which betrayed excitement and longing, in contrast to the suspicious look on the rest of his face – before then pressing his lips to Yuuta's with a soft sound, adding pressure but otherwise keeping it dry and simple and not at all what Yuuta had expected.

When Shuusuke pulled away a few inches, he said, "The kind of kiss I want to give you needs to be asked for," and then met Yuuta's lips once more, bestowing upon him a series of short, sharp, sweet staccato kisses, revelling in the energy that passed between them every time they touched. On the last, he remained joined with Yuuta, wrapping an arm round his waist and slipping a hand up under his shirt to rest on the soft skin of his back. Making a small noise in the back of his throat, relief at bodily contact after a week of being alone, he finally began to kiss Yuuta, unrestrained, licking at his lips until Yuuta parted them and allowed him into his mouth. As he slid his tongue over Yuuta's with uncharacteristic forcefulness, Yuuta moaned and gripped his forearm, urging Shuusuke not to stop this one like he had the others. The way he deepened the kiss at Yuuta's touch promised him he wouldn't.

Pulling Yuuta down with him to rest properly on the bed, Shuusuke moved his hand higher and began to stroke Yuuta's back in time with the strokes of his tongue, wrapping his legs around him and rolling his hips as Yuuta's hand crept under his shirt and responded in kind. When he drew Yuuta's tongue into his own mouth and began to suck on it, deep and strong, Yuuta moaned again and moved his hips to meet with Shuusuke's, shifting to rub against the seam of the jeans he wore, desperate for stimulation when aniki was being this serious with him. Aniki felt different; passionate and undone, when before, there had always, always been something holding him back, even when he'd been trying. Now, it was all gone, and in its place was an aniki who was showering him with phoenix tears, crying dry-eyed for every moment he had missed him and for every damaging assumption he had ever made.

It was enough to renew Yuuta's belief in his brother, although Shuusuke starting to inch his shirt up made him realise they had to stop.

"Aniki," he said, pulling away, breathing heavily. "Mum and dad are downstairs, and..."

Shuusuke had tried to follow his lips as he moved away, intent on staying as close to Yuuta as he could after having been forgiven, but the spell broke as he heard mention of their parents. Cheeks flushed and eyes shining, he said, "We should stop, shouldn't we?" in a way that begged Yuuta to throw everything but their pleasure to the wind.

Unable to close his ears to aniki, Yuuta did the next best thing and closed his eyes as he slowly untangled himself from his brother and shifted away a bit, potential embarrassment winning out, just, over consummating their make-up.

"Aa, we should. Even if..." He paused, sounding barely on the more comfortable side of mortified. "Even if they don't mind, they'll... hear us, and..." He trailed off, just the idea being enough to silence him with horror in potentia.

"Then, come back with me?" Shuusuke's words promised an experience likely never to be surpassed; Yuuta shivered, and made himself concentrate on straightening out his clothing.

"I'll come back, but..."

"I know how to let you go enough to get you closer, now..." Shuusuke hadn't been able to stop himself from purring, but the message was serious, and satisfied Yuuta enough that he stood up, swept the book he'd abandoned earlier up from the bed, pushed it into the holdall on the dresser, and then zipped it up decisively.

"You didn't unpack?"

"I, ah, knew you'd be coming for me."

"Really?"

Yuuta grinned sheepishly. "I wasn't supposed to tell you this, but I received a phone call..."


	7. Lights

"Was our exit okay, do you think?" Shuusuke asked as he pulled smoothly onto the road from their parents' driveway. "I don't know what they'd-"

"It was fine, aniki," Yuuta interrupted before his brother could start fretting about what was thought of them. "Mother was smiling, and she... well, I think we should come back here together later and talk it through." He glanced over at Shuusuke, who kept flicking his eyes over Yuuta's face instead of paying complete attention to the road ahead. "You'll both be... surprised, I guess."

"Surprised..." Shuusuke said absently; apparently, unusually, unable to concentrate on driving, looking at Yuuta _and_ talking. "We'll do that, then; go back and talk. It'll be easier with you, I suppose."

"Because everything is?"

"Yes."

Yuuta was unsure whether aniki had missed his affectionate irony (unlikely) or whether he'd just chosen to be guileless for once.

"I can't wait to get you home, Yuuta..."

The tone of aniki's voice drew his gaze up to his face, and something within Yuuta warmed like burning honey at what he saw there.

"I want – I need..." Shuusuke lowered his voice and trailed off deliberately, communicating exactly what it was he needed to Yuuta with a quick flicker of his eyes.

"I... want that too... aniki." The honey was enveloping Yuuta as he drank in the atmosphere of indulgence that pervaded their private world: the luxurious interior of aniki's car; the dangerously lustful looks aniki was shooting him; aniki's delicate fingers, capable on the gear stick even when distracted by impulses unabated from Yuuta's bedroom onwards. It was fortunate that they'd left when they had, for however much their parents' disapproval had matured into, perhaps, acceptance, there was no way at all that they would have appreciated the rare, raw passion of Shuusuke undone.

Yuuta shivered at the thought; aniki was humming with sex and sincere worship, black and white and technicolour, laced with the molten honey that was spreading through the inside of the Jaguar. Yuuta knew that they both wanted to pull over and take things to the back seat, but also that neither would allow it. The lucid part of Yuuta balked at being discovered and proclaimed a public disturbance, and the part of Shuusuke that was still waters turned waves wanted an eternity of loving Yuuta that could only be found within the walls, bed and holy garden of his home.

The rest of the journey passed in silence; the honey was too thick for sound to be worth it; and for once, Yuuta found himself feeling at peace in the silence. Settled quiet around aniki usually made him squirm or feel inferior or worried or suspicious, because everything that happened around aniki was exactly to his design, but tonight aniki seemed to have lost sight of any sort of design at all; the blame and thanks laid squarely at Yuuta's feet.

Yuuta felt at peace in the car park, and the lift, and walking along the hall that felt more like it belonged in a hotel than an apartment building, too; it was only when he stepped through Shuusuke's door for the first time in a week that the peace left him, fluttering up and out of the expansive windows of the living room to join the lights of the city outside. Had aniki really changed? Could Yuuta believe – truly believe – this now? Would things revert back to how they had been, slowly and surely like flood waters creeping up the sides of the building, undetected until it was too late?

"Yuuta..."

Shuusuke shut the door quietly behind them and spoke his name in the dark. Yuuta would have expected a touch of reverence there, but anything and everything to do with delicacy and wonder was absent: instead, there was darkness and light, fluid and changing, and within it, Yuuta's name, spoken as if it was the only thing Shuusuke wanted to say.

Shuusuke led Yuuta over to the window, compelling him onwards with waves at his feet, pushing him and guiding him. Yuuta knew that Shuusuke was buzzing with conflicting needs, even if the buzz was buried beneath the soothing sounds of the waters that ran through him; however, the need to show him something apparently outweighed the need to take him to bed, at least for now.

"What do you see, Yuuta?"

"Er, lights. Lots and lots of lights. And I think that's a helicopter over there."

"Anything else?"

Yuuta concentrated hard for a few moments.

"Buildings?" And then, "That's not the right answer, is it?"

Shuusuke laughed, light and heavy all at once, like marshmallow encased in chocolate.

"There is no right answer, Yuuta."

"... Oh. So... why did you ask the question?"

"Why indeed."

"I guess you want me to think about it, right?"

"Perhaps. Why do you see what you see out there?"

"Because I... er... I see things with my eyes." Yuuta knew before he said it that it was lame, but he really hadn't been able to think of anything else.

"True." Shuusuke nodded. "Very true."

Yuuta felt something else was required from him, so he grasped at something he could stall with. He didn't know why aniki was questioning him, but it was probably important – in fact, _definitely_ important, because aniki was delaying passion for this – so he wanted to play along, and maybe understand something that would be good for them.

"What do _you_ see, aniki?"

"Lights. Lots and lots of lights."

"No helicopter?"

"It's gone now."

"Oh. Okay. And, er, why do you see them?"

"Because I see things with my eyes," Shuusuke said, brushing his hand against Yuuta's, although still staring straight out of the window. "And also because," he said, a small smile gracing his lips, "it's dark in here."

"Should we turn a light on?" Yuuta wasn't sure where this was meant to be going.

"Would you like to?"

Was this a test? And if it was, why was it Yuuta who was being tested, when it had been aniki who had had to change?

"No... let's, ah, leave them off."

"And go to bed?"

"Please..."

Their bedroom had not changed in a week; Yuuta wasn't quite sure why he had been expecting otherwise.

"Should we close the blinds?"

"Would you like to?"

Another test?

"No... let's leave them open."

Shuusuke smiled slightly. "Because it's dark in here."

Yuuta wondered if he was starting to understand. _Aniki_ had started to understand, when he'd talked to Kawamura-san, so it was probably Yuuta's turn to understand more about him, although what, and for what purpose, he wasn't quite sure just yet.

"Yuuta..." Aniki looked over at him from by the bed, his face not properly distinguishable from in front of the window's dim light. "I'm sorry for the pain I've caused you."

"You don't have to say it again, aniki; it's fine. I'm convinced you know what you're doing now, so you can just... do it, I guess. I'd like it if you did."

After that, Yuuta couldn't stand it anymore. He shut the bedroom door with his foot (it was probably a security thing, he thought, since there was no real reason to remember to close it when it was just the two of them) and then crossed over to Shuusuke, excitement rising in him as he smelt once more aniki's cologne that, for him, symbolised sex. After months of experiencing it, it was now an instant turn-on, since aniki usually never wore it for anything else.

"I missed you, Yuuta," Shuusuke said, pulling him down onto the bed, pressing against him and sighing with contentment and longing. The car journey and the talk in the living room had dragged on as if he'd been frozen in stasis, trapped in an eternal state of desire that would never be fulfilled.

"While we were coming home, or... oh, while I wasn't here, right?" Yuuta was distracted by the way Shuusuke's body touched his in all the right places, and the clear, pristine sense of discovery of how good it felt to be so close to his brother again after days of separation. When together every day, it was easy to take for granted how warm his skin was, how soft his breath.

"Both. Oh, both." Shuusuke worked a hand beneath Yuuta's shirt and jumper as he spoke, abandoning his usual approach of delicacy, instead taking in as much of Yuuta's chest as he could with his fingers, his palms, his wrists. He wanted it to be his tongue exploring Yuuta's body, but there were still things to be communicated, even if the physical and the emotional both equated to 'I want you'. "I was... I hated that car journey." He laughed to himself, a half mirthful, half desperate affair. "I need to be with you right now, Yuuta. It's... funny. I've never felt like this before. I've always... wanted you, but after all this now, after talking to Taka-san, I... I want – I want..."

Unable to voice it completely just yet, Shuusuke closed his lips over Yuuta's and licked feverishly at them, at the inside of his lips, at his tongue that had moved to caress his too. A discharging of passion in place of eloquence seemed the only appropriate thing to do when he was faltering over words so, never having experienced such a thing before.

When he drew away a few inches, breathing heavily and settling his hands at Yuuta's hips, the sharp angles singing like soft angels beneath his fingertips, he smiled at Yuuta in the dark with his eyes. "I want you to touch me as much as I want to touch you. I want you to be as much my protector as I am yours. I want..." He pressed a kiss to Yuuta's mouth, wetting his lips again but touching only fleetingly. "Yuuta, I want to give myself up to you because I want a pleasure only you can give me. I don't feel so... responsible, for you, anymore."

"Aniki..."

Shuusuke kissed him again, and then said, softly, "Make love to me, Yuuta?"

Yuuta would have laughed at this turn of phrase on any other occasion; _aniki_ would have laughed on any other occasion, for he would have been jesting, regardless of how delicate his normal manner was; but aniki appeared nothing but sincere in his request, and, Yuuta realised, he was entrusting him with something that had never before been shared with him. _Look after my pleasure, Yuuta._

They'd been here before, back at the start when aniki had first tried to change for him. That time, aniki had asked him to fuck him. Yuuta wasn't too good at chasing down psychological significances, he'd readily admit, but there was a difference here, wasn't there?

"What... what would you like to do?" Yuuta wished he didn't stutter over important things like this.

"Mmm..." Shuusuke stretched himself out against Yuuta, relaxing completely. Yuuta liked the feeling of aniki flush against him like this; aniki's body had a flexibility to it that he would forever envy, and he found it both fascinating and alluring.

Aniki laughed. "What do you see, Yuuta?"

"Er... not very much. I can see your eyes, and your general sort of outline. Er. And if you mean outside, then there are lots and lots of lights. Again." He paused. "Am I being scored on this?"

"Perhaps."

"So, er, what can _you_ see, aniki?" Yuuta knew he should have been used to rhetoric in bed by now, but he was beginning to accept that it was probably never going to happen.

"Mmn, that helicopter's come back. Besides that, I can see very little, and, I think, that is what I would like to do."

"You, er, want me to blindfold you...?"

Shuusuke laughed; something which Yuuta wished he wouldn't do like that in bed when he was trying his hardest to keep up. It was hard when one wasn't a genius!

"Not quite," he said, voice laced with amusement but tempered by fond affection. "Simply, and perhaps more transparently, I'd like to feel you on top of me, just trusting that you're there. Will that suit?"

"Yes... I... yes!" Yuuta was still unsure that he was following along in quite the way aniki wanted, but he was eager to show that he was at least attempting it.

"I think it's time we got out of these clothes, then," Shuusuke said, possibly the only person in the world able to make a line like that sound refined.

There was no teasing or delicacy to the way aniki alleviated the both of them of their clothing; he had been desperate for his brother since he had walked into his old bedroom hours ago, and now that he had achieved whatever it was he had been designing, he would waste no further time.

As Shuusuke lay himself out on the sheets, turning his head to lay one cheek on the pillows, Yuuta brought out the tube of lubricant from the nightstand on his side of the bed; there was a time for games, and there was a time when they would simply be maddening. Seeing aniki like this would truly have sent Yuuta to madness had he had to wait: aniki's shoulders seemed broader from behind; the sweep of his spine longer; the taper of his waist more sculptured; and then to see his legs spread, waiting for him; it made Yuuta tremble. The room, the air, Yuuta: all were saturated with sex and languid power; Yuuta's head full of the scent of aniki and pulsing anticipation.

"Yuuta..." Shuusuke shifted as he asked for him, rubbing himself against the sheets, excitement building as the sound of his heart thumped in his ear against the pillow. He felt strangely wanton, with his legs wide and his insatiable voracity for Yuuta: it was impossible to hold back a moan when he was finally spread open and Yuuta's weight then pressed down all over his body, firmly, warmly. Yuuta was not heavy, and the pressure would have been relaxing, had they both not been breathing heavily, impatient for pleasure.

Shuusuke knew, as soon as Yuuta started to move within him, that this would not last long; they had been separated for a week, and had been teased by circumstance for hours; so he felt glad for the intensity that Yuuta above him was soaking into him. Yuuta's nipples were at his back; Yuuta's gasps were at his ear; Yuuta's rhythm was shocking through him and pushing him right against the mattress, again and again and again, stimulating him in a way far more pleasing than his own hand could ever be.

Was this what it was like to be selfish for oneself? _Was_ it selfish, to lie down and be loved like this? Once upon a time, Shuusuke had thought that; and once upon a time, he had made Yuuta miserable with his selflessness.

Yuuta on top of him felt good; the clean, masculine scent of his sweat was intoxicating and good; his urging the both of them to an urgent completion was euphoric and good. Was there much else to think on? If he could trust Yuuta to all of this, to weigh him down and pleasure him, all without having to see the security of his face, then there wasn't, was there?

"Aniki...!" Yuuta cried, and bucked his hips short and sharp and hard, gritting his teeth as he thrust and saw white. The weight of Yuuta's collapse and the break of his voice were the last things Shuusuke needed to climax also, and he too collapsed down, limbs limp against the mattress. The sheets were damp from their sweat and from Shuusuke himself, but he was too sated to mind for a few minutes.

"We've never done that before," came Yuuta's halting and laboured voice from above him.

"No, we haven't." Shuusuke's voice was equally weak. They lay quiet for a little while, until Shuusuke then said, "Yuuta, what do you see?"

"Your hair. No helicopters." He breathed out deeply. "What do you see, aniki?" He sounded too tired to be playing guessing games.

"Nothing."

"Because it's dark in here?"

Shuusuke nodded against his pillow. "Aa. Because it's dark in here."

--

There was darkness and light, fluid and changing, and within it, Yuuta's name, spoken as if it was the only thing Shuusuke wanted to say.

--

Selfishness can bring mutual happiness;  
light and dark are merely different ways of experiencing the world;  
and chains are unnecessary when you trust.


End file.
